The morning began as most morning’s tend to begin. On Instagram. I was scrolling through and saw my beloved Kate Beckinsale was doing a bikini photo op. Thank you, Jesus. And of course she looked amazing but guys the bikini was solid green so I had the BRILLIANT idea once again to photochop the bikini into some of her (our) favorite things.
So I did.
I picked a cool Underworld pose, her fluffy cats, that fox she has tamed/charmed somehow, the Queen Mother (RIP) and a minion. Six pix total with the first being her original suit. I was also considering a bikini with hot buttered waffles for #6 but it didn’t read well. She looked diseased and it triggered my trypophobia. So, then I tried a Chewbacca one but then she just looked like a hairy 70s porn star and I was trying to keep this thing classy. Epic fail #2.
So, I finish up my masterpiece, post it to IG and tag her. I figure at worst my own followers would just roll their eyes at my little thirst trap. And then I went away and did other stuff. That was about 11am on Wednesday. Also, I chose this day, tactically speaking, because there’s generally no news cycle in the middle of the week and she also hadn’t posted anything that day so her alerts would not have been triggered and swamped by comments from her own stuff. Hence, she may actually see it. Go big or go home.
And she did see it!
A few hours later at 3:18pm I get a simple IG notification:
“Katebeckinsale tagged you in a post”
And then again,
“Katebeckinsale mentioned you in a comment.”
Holy what now?!
So I’m tripping balls and jump over to IG and sure enough, there’s my glorious photochopped spread on her page and she’s thanking me for showing her all the green screen bikini possibilities and tells me she likes the fox and the Queen one but her cat’s disdain was true to form.
Wow.
So I counter as suavely as I can—knowing we have entered the realm of genuine meet-cute banter folks!—I say, “I’m not saying I deserve a knighthood for this, but a BAFTA? Maybe…?” She replies “At the very least!”
A BAFTA of course is a British academy award that’s neither here nor there.
And then it goes out to her 5M+ followers and the reply guys hit and I leave some witty responses but then get quickly overwhelmed bc there’s too much. It’s a Tsunami. Then my own IG stats start blowing up. I think I’ve gotten about 200 followers in the past 24 hrs off it. I’m happy I’ve got my comedy book pinned to my page so maybe someone (Kate?) buys it and reads it if they’re buy-curious. Ha.
Now, I hate to be an Eeyore about our prospects, but guys she hasn’t followed me back. So that’s a little hitch in our budding, whirlwind romance. And she had the opportunity to collaborate so that the one post shows up on both our feeds but she just did her own post. I get it. Probably better bc then she could put her own comment and not overwhelm me with her virality. Rawr.
And I wouldn’t find out about this part til January 8, 2023 but apparently this made quite the news cycle:
09.21.22 Monsters & Critics Kate Beckinsale sizzles in lime green bikini for cactus vibes
08.19.22 Monsters & Critics Kate Beckinsale shows tiny frame in ‘green screen’ bikinis
08.18.22 Giant Freakin Robot See Kate Beckinsale Having Too Much Fun In A Green Screen Bikini
08.18.22 London Daily Express Kate Beckinsale, 49, stuns as she flaunts assets in cheeky bikini featuring Queen’s face
08.18.22 Hello! U.S. Kate Beckinsale has fans divided over her latest cheeky swimsuit photos
08.18.22 Deutche News.de Kate Beckinsale: “Atemberaubend!” Dieser Queen-Bikini-Hammer bringt das Netz zum Beben
Why did nobody tell me I was getting blogged and bandied about? I would have gushed about that to my three fans and followers.
But, anyway, how cool is that. No, you don’t even get it! I’ve been in love with KB since 1998 when she did her little indie appearance as short-haired Georgie in “Shooting Fish”. Possibly her first film? I dunno. I’m not IMDb. I’ll ask her on our honeymoon. But that film launched my “Burglar Eyes” script obsession for the next 10 years so it obviously had an impact. So, we’ll be getting married next month. That’s in the IG fine print I think that we basically are common-law married? Right? I’ll be taking her last name. It’s a whole thing. We’ll be funny together. Make vampire slaying babies. Or at least aggressive cats. And live happily ever after.
I’ll keep y’all posted but save the date!
Sincerely,
S. David Acuff-Beckinsale*
*pending
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